I Don't Give Out
by Crazy PurpleSage
Summary: Naruto's sudden and inexplicable mpreg and Itachi's less-than-normal day of feeding Naruto's weird cravings. Crackfic. ItaNaru. Enjoy!


Dedicated to **Anomie86** for our fabulously odd conversation which started as a review for _Dirty Little Secrets_ and somehow evolved into an idea for a crack fic; one which makes fun of M-preg. If you're somehow insulted by this, do not read on. There is much more insulting along the way. But if you have no problem with such things, please enjoy.

Also, a special thanks to **Killing Curse Eyes** as well for her suggestion of pocky-flavoured ramen. It sparked me into actually starting to _write _this crazy story.

;)

And thank you Imperial Mint for chapterising!

**I Don't Give Out **

"Hmm," Naruto put his finger to his chin, feigning a thoughtful pose. What was he in the mood for for dinner tonight? "Ramen!"

Itachi nodded. That was a given; obviously.

"And ice cream with pocky too," Naruto's eyes lit up as he started listening to his taste buds. "All together!"

Itachi nodded, they had ice cream, practically every flavour, in the freezer; he was about to write 'pocky' down on the list and ask Naruto what flavour when he heard Naruto's last comment and did a double take. "Pardon me?"

Naruto's whole face lit up, his eyes glazed over as though he was already imagining himself digging into this pocky-flavoured ramen with ice cream scooped on top.

"You _do_ know there is no such thing as pocky-flavoured ramen?" Though now that Itachi thought of it, if there was such a thing he might start taking an interest in ramen. Anything sweet was always good in his book.

Looking back over to the blond, he found Naruto still staring into the distance with that dazed look in his eye. Itachi sighed; there was no getting through to the younger man now. He would want this pocky-flavoured ramen by the end of the day or Itachi would be sleeping on the couch yet again, alert at all hours for whenever Naruto came out to cuddle or had a sudden craving in the middle of the night that _needed _tobe fulfilled at that very moment.

Pregnant men were so troublesome.

Resigning himself to fulfilling Naruto's tall order, Itachi pocketed the list and started to make his way towards the door. "I'll figure this out somehow," he muttered to himself; waving a hand in goodbye to the still contemplative blond sitting in their kitchen nook.

Teuchi scratched his head, most likely trying to figure out if he should be taking this as a joke or if Uchiha Itachi had gone insane again and he should call the Hokage.

"You want me to make _what _again?" He asked, searching the Uchiha's eyes for any hint of humour; or insanity.

"Pocky-flavoured ramen," Itachi spoke each word clearly, knowing exactly what was going through the old man's head and not feeling entirely too generous at the moment o explain himself. "It's for Naruto."

"Ah," the old man's eyes lit up in understanding and fondness. Apparently that was enough of an explanation for anyone these days. "Getting those weird cravings already, is he?" He winked at Itachi. "I remember when Natsume was pregnant with Ayame. Crazy, crazy times. You can't say no to them!" He threw his hands in the air, just barely holding on to the metal spoon still dripping with soup. But Itachi didn't back away, no matter how much he feared getting splattered on. He was an Uchiha. Uchihas don't back down to anyone.

As Teuchi continued to ramble on about his wife way back when, Itachi started droning him out, wondering why he wasn't just resorting to his usual tactics of painful force when things weren't going as quickly as he liked.

Oh right. Naruto.

Naruto's request for pocky-flavoured ramen could not be concocted in his favourite ramen restaurant if the owner was in the hospital.

"-but I went down to the market at three-thirty in the morning, looking for pickled-"

"Yes, I know what you're talking about," Itachi finally cut in exasperatedly. Though he wasn't going to use force, he still wasn't a saint either. "So do think you can do it?"

Teuchi looked a bit shocked at being interrupted in the middle of what promised to be a scintillating story, but quickly regained his composure and smiled at Itachi. "I don't know if it's possible, but anything for my best customer. If Naruto says it's gonna be good, then it'll be good," he declared, waving his spoon around some more before heading back into the kitchens, making a list to stock up on the ingredients to pocky no doubt.

Itachi looked around once he had exited the restaurant, not sure what to do next. He sure as hell wasn't going home without the requested ramen. Plus, it would just hurt his Uchiha pride and constant libido even more when Naruto would refuse to even let him into the house without the specifically requested food. Not that his libido would be satisfied any further with said food either. Ever since Naruto had gotten pregnant –which they still couldn't figure out –both Tsunade and Naruto had made a no-sex rule. It wasn't even Itachi's fault in the first place! Who knew a male could get pregnant? It was just absurd. Itachi didn't even want kids in the first place. Plus, Itachi had been away on a mission for six months, while Naruto had only just gotten pregnant a month ago. Not that he accused Naruto of sleeping around, that was just plain unheard of for the blond; Itachi knew he had him wrapped tightly around his finger – or maybe it was the other way around. But regardless, who knew sperm lasted that long in the body? Tsunade said it all had to do with the Kyuubi. Something about deamons having no gender and heating up and storing the sperm for months before actually putting it in the proper environment to grow a baby. Yes, like a plant. For all Itachi's smarts, that was the best way he could explain it. But it was Naruto, so Itachi had no problem allowing the little confounding facts slip through the cracks in favour of keeping his sanity intact.

Heaving a sigh, Itachi resigned himself to walking around town for the next few hours until it was an acceptable enough time to find out if the ramen was ready.

"Oh Itachi. Yoo hoo!"

Oh great.

Itachi began walking a bit faster without being too obvious; this was Naruto's old friend after all.

"Hey Itaaaaachi! Wait up."

Only Naruto was allowed to draw out his name like that. And when he did, he did it in a sexy way. Not like –

"Itachi!" Sakura grasped Itachi's arm in her ironclad hold and clung to his side. "I was calling you. Didn't you hear?" She began to massage his arm with her pink manicured fingernails and fluttered her eyelashes for good measure.

—Not like _Sakura_.

"No, I must have been too caught up in thoughts of my _husband,_" he stressed, refusing to even look down at the pink leach who was no doubt using all of her wiles to get him to even look at her. He did want to look at her, but not in the way she would appreciate. For if he glared at her with all his might and told her to fuck off…well; first of all, Naruto would find out and be extremely mad at him. An angry, hormonal, pregnant man is _never _good. Second of all, Sakura might take it as an invitation of intense lust and feel the need to jump him right there. So he didn't look at her and continued to walk on in silence; her extra weight not slowing him down in the least. Naruto was heavier.

"Oh," she sighed dejectedly, seeing that her looks were getting her nowhere. But not a second later, Itachi heard her take in a fast and excited breath, which meant only one thing –she was switching tactics. "We should go out on the town today; you know, so you can _enjoy_ yourself. It must be _so _hard," she said pityingly, "taking care of Naruto now. I mean, he _is_ knocked up with someone else's child. How does that ma—"

Itachi wrenched his arm away and started walking incredibly fast in a different direction, grinding his teeth slightly as he did so. He slipped through the crowd, allowing himself to be swept away to God knows where.

But at least he lost her.

Had she really thought that bringing up the nature of Naruto's pregnancy and making him angry would make him _want _to sleep with her?

He knew he was the village joke –everyone except a select few thought that Naruto had gone and slept around in his Oroike no Jutsu form while Itachi was on his mission. The most popular theory was that the deamon fox had an even more demanding libido that Itachi which needed to be provided for; therefore, Itachi's abandonment of Naruto for more than a month was just plain reckless. In fact, Itachi had heard enough versions of all the 'why's' to make his head spin; or rather, feel extremely tempted to physically spin the heads of those who dared spread those rumours. But the joke would be on them when the …thing…was finally born and it was an unmistakable Uchiha. He especially wanted to show Naruto the proof, as he was indirectly the one who started the rumours. Having found out he was pregnant, while being a little drunk on the sake Tsunade kept pouring down his throat before telling him the shocking news, Naruto had proceeded to run frantically around the village asking who the baby's daddy was.

Not a moment anyone in the village is likely to forget for years to come, at least not without wiping a tear of laughter out of their eye. How Itachi wished he could have been there to calm the boy down, but unfortunately, still being on a mission and none the wiser, it landed on Sasuke to drag the blond away from the amused eyes of the villagers and bring him back home.

Of course, it was never as simple as that. Sasuke then proceeded to convince Naruto that _he _was the baby's daddy and that they should move in together so that he could take better care of him.

So when Itachi came home to an empty apartment at the end of his long mission, just hoping for a good night in bed with his love, it would be an understatement to say that after a frantic search around the village he was a little ticked off to find Naruto in Sasuke's bed instead. Not that they had done anything –like he'd said before, Naruto made the no-sex rule the moment he found out he was pregnant –but Itachi wasn't in the mood to hear any explanations anyway. He'd dragged Naruto out, beat up his little brother for good measure, and then went home with an incredibly confused and bleary-eyed Naruto in tow.

Of course Itachi forgave him, after literally knocking some sense into the man –lightly, of course – and dragging him to see Tsunade to explain this whole mess. But the rest of the village was far from forgiving and still head the impression that Naruto had had a one-night stand with a guy who possibly resembled Itachi; the most likely candidate being Sasuke, especially after their month-long engagement. Then again, who really knows what those simpletons think? He'd still show them.

In any case, Itachi did not need to hear the pathetic spluttering of pity from Konoha's ninja whore today. Didn't she get he was not in the mood for her? Not now and not ever.

He looked behind himself to see Sakura still following him in the sea of people –impressive, but annoying nonetheless. Itachi made a split decision –a rare occurrence, surely –and jumped up to the nearest roof top. Sakura halted in her chase and looked up at Itachi's quickly retreating back in the distance. "Okay," I'll see you tonight Itachi," she called, making sure everyone in the street had heard with perfect clarity. Not only her fists, but her vocals chords too were extremely strong.

That little bitch. You would think she would have at least some respect for Naruto, even a sliver of what he had for her, considering he still had no clue what she did with her free time exactly. But no, the moment Itachi came back into the village on Naruto's shoulder –having mistaken Itachi for his younger brother out on the battlefield and dragging his ass back to Konoha instead –Sakura had been all over Itachi. Ironically enough, it had taken Itachi being accepted back into Konoha's folds for Sasuke to return of his own will. So Naruto ended up with his best friend back and a boyfriend all in one month. That was just how fate worked sometimes. Itachi could still clearly remember the morning of their first-month anniversary; well, Naruto had said that was the date at least. Itachi didn't really keep track of that kind of thing.

* * *

"_Whoa!" _

_Itachi was being forcibly woken up by a loud voice and harsh jabs to his face, under his eyes to be exact. A bit too close for comfort. _

"_Naruto," he growled warningly, knowing it couldn't be anyone else. "What are you doing?" _

"_Itachi! You're awake," the blond had exclaimed. _

_No shit. _

"_You would not believe this." Naruto shook Itachi's shoulders for good measure to make sure he was really awake, seeing as the Uchiha had yet to open his eyes. When Itachi finally did so he saw Naruto looking intently at him. Not into his eyes; but rather, under them –where he was poking earlier to be exact. "The lines are gone!" Naruto finally looked up into his eyes, disbelief written all over his face. "Just gone. They've vanished over night!" _

_Itachi gave Naruto a quizzical look, really having no idea what he was talking about. He shook his head slowly, never breaking eye contact as he waited for Naruto to explain his odd wake-up call this morning. _

_Naruto reached forward again and swept his finger gently, reverently, –in a way that made Itachi want to close his eyes again under the tender touch –under his eyes, just touching the side of his nose. "Right here," he proceeded to do the same on the other side. "You had two small lines under your eyes. They were always there!" He resorted back to shouting again, much to Itachi's chagrin. "And now they're gone." _

_Itachi sweat dropped, finally catching on to what Naruto was trying to say. _

"_You mean the bags." It wasn't a question. He couldn't believe that, what with how close the blond was to that redhead Kazekage, Naruto hadn't known that those were bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. _

"_No, I mean your skin. Not bags. Why would you put bags under your eyes?" Naruto scrunched up his nose in confusion. Itachi was tempted to bite the nose off for him, but the moment of stupidity was just too much right now. _

"_No Naruto, they were shadows under my eyes from lack of sleep," he deadpanned; there was no other way to answer after having just been violently woken up. _

_Naruto blinked. "You mean." He blinked again and then squinted and looked back down to where the two lines, bags, shadows –whatever you wanted to call them –used to be. "You mean that was just from lack of sleep?" _

_Itachi nodded. _

"_Oh," Naruto slumped back in bed, a small pout on his face as he dug his chin into his chest. _

_Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose and stole himself to ask the next question. "What's wrong Naruto?" _

"_Nothing," Naruto looked up demurely at Itachi through half-lidded eyes. "They just looked really sexy on you." _

_Now there was no stopping Itachi, rude wakeup call or no. _

* * *

"I will avenge my beauty by ten folds if you slander her reputation again. By the power of youth, I swear it!"

Itachi was pulled from his musings by a particularly annoying and boisterous voice coming from his left.

"She's a whore." Itachi heard his younger brother state with no remorse. They must be talking about Sakura. "I have nothing to apologise for."

"Oh yeeesh you do!" Lee launched himself at Sasuke, his speech slurred, head titled to the side, and eyes half closed, as though he was about to fall asleep. Itachi deduced, easily enough, that Lee must be drunk. He only went on these revenge-for-Sakura missions against Sasuke in particular when he was intoxicated. All the same, he hit Sasuke right in the shoulder with the side of his fist. Too fast for Sasuke to even react, the raven flew back several feet. Standing up as soon as he could, Sasuke brushed off his shoulder and then crouched down into a fighting stance.

"No. I _don't_," he reiterated.

That was right, Itachi nodded at the memory. Last year Sasuke had begun sleeping with Sakura on a regular basis. It was a couple months after he and Naruto had gotten married; and Sasuke, seeing that the object of his desire was now definitely out of his grasp for good, resorted to drowning the pain with some good sake and an "old friend". Not only was Sakura willing to get with Sasuke, she herself was also trying to get over the fact that Itachi was also officially a taken man. Of course, that whole arrangement only lasted for a few weeks before both parties were back on the hunt for two _married _men. Would they ever learn?

Itachi had to admit, he did feel somewhat sorry for the oblivious man still throwing well-aimed punches at Sasuke, who was only able to barely block them at the rate they were coming. Lee, like Naruto, was unaware of what Sakura was doing to herself and was all ready to defend her honour at the drop of a hat –drunk or not.

"I will make you sorry for hurting my beautiful flower!" he cried; running at Sasuke again with a ferocious battle cry.

"She's not even yours," Sasuke spat, obviously disgusted and bored with his whole encounter already. "She's slept with practically everyone in Konoha _except_ you by now."

Lee's mouth dropped open in shock, whether from shock of hearing this for the first time or righteous anger at Sasuke for daring to say that to his face in public, Itachi's wasn't sure.

"You shall _not _vilify the Power of Youth!" Lee howled, bringing up his leg –the one with 50,000 pounds on it, and kicked Sasuke right where it hurt the most.

Itachi cringed, turning his head as Sasuke fell to his knees, grabbing with both hands at the sore spot between his legs.

That had to hurt.

Feeling some sort of sympathy for his younger sibling, even if he was still pursuing _Itachi's _blond, Itachi went up and dragged Lee away by his collar, while the young man continued shouting about victory and the "power of youth".

When he finally got Lee far enough away from Sasuke and had shaken him off at the next possible bar –what did Itachi care? He wouldn't have to deal with him –he decided to go back to Ichiraku's. That old man had better be done by now. This village was crazy and he just wanted to get back home to his lover and forget this day ever happened.

* * *

"Is it done yet?" Itachi asked, not caring that he had just stepped in front of two customers waiting their turn and interrupted Teuchi in a seemingly pleasant conversation. But hey, he wanted to go home and leave these crazy people behind him, but he couldn't do that without the ramen, his ticket through the door.

"Ah, Uchiha-san," Teuchi cried; shrugging off the interruption and choosing to greet the rude newcomer warmly. "It _is_ done actually. I wanted I wanted youto be the first to try it. I'd normally ask Naruto, but you never know where his taste buds are going these days and I need to know if it's good enough to serve to customers." Teuchi waved Itachi over to the counter and gestured for him to take a seat. "I'll be right out with a bowl," he promised before going back behind the curtain to the kitchen.

Itachi leaned forward to rest his clasped hands on the counter. He hoped this wouldn't take too long; he really wanted to return to his blond. He looked behind him at the disgruntled customers who had been ignored by Teuchi the moment he had arrived. But once they saw Itachi staring they looked away, frightened, and embarrassed at the same time, to be caught under the Uchiha death stare.

"Here you go," Teuchi set down the bowl ceremoniously in front of Itachi.

Itachi nodded his thanks and then looked down to see an odd mixture of pink and brown broth swirled around the noodles, miso, and fishcakes.

_Ew, _was Itachi's first thought, but he expertly kept it from showing on his face. Stealing himself and resisting the urge to close his eyes in front of the crowd watching him, Itachi broke apart his chopsticks and dunked them in the bowl. Swirling the noodles around for a moment, he took a deep breath to steady himself when the sweet aroma of chocolate and strawberry pocky pushed gently at his senses.

_Sweet. _

Itachi subconsciously licked his lips and dug his utensils into a clump of noodles. Bringing the mixture to his mouth, he slipped his lips over the sweetened noodles and sucked them down, savouring the satisfying saccharine tingle down his throat. Now if only he had some sweet tea to go with this he'd be a happy man.

"So what do you think?" Teuchi's eager voice broke Itachi from his content thoughts. "Do you think Naruto'll like it? Is it good enough to see to customers? 'Cause I've got about a hundred boxes of pocky back here." At that, Itachi's eyes lit up like Christmas had come early. "And I wouldn't know what else to do with them," Teuchi finished, waiting for Itachi's final yea or nay.

Take the pocky as is or say yes to more of this sweetly delicious ramen?

Naruto would love this. Surprisingly; his first odd food combination that was actually edible to the rest of the human race. Imagine that.

Twisting his lips against their will –think of Naruto over self-desire to eat pocky…. –Itachi gave his approval. "This would be fine to serve to customers."

"Ah, thank kami," the old man breathed a sigh of relief. "I have to say, even I was a bit wary to try it myself. Thanks, Uchiha-san, it'll be a hit."

Itachi began to tune the old man out as he dug his chopsticks into the bowl again. He wanted to finish this in peace. If he thought about it, one bowl of this ramen could be like a whole box of pocky in just a few scoops! Oh the endless possibilities.

"—was sure Naruto was on the right track yet again, but even she wouldn't even try it." Teuchi was still smiling down at Itachi, babbling on without a care in the world, even as the customers continued to file in.

"Thank you, I'll take five to go," Itachi announced, sliding off the stool and reaching for his wallet. No doubt he would be back for Naruto's second, third, and fourth before he even made it through the door; he knew from experience to get more than one bowl for his lover on any given day. "Actually six," he amended. One more for himself.

Money was handed over and a heavy weight fell into Itachi's hands before he was able to walk with a much lighter step back home.

"Naruto, I'm home!" Itachi called; slipping off his shoes and roving his eyes over the open walkway.

"Itachi!" Naruto poked his head around the corner, an anxious frown on his face as his eyes bore into Itachi's before waddling forward to greet him. "You're home! Where were you?"

"I –"

"You don't want this baby anymore, do you? You were thinking of leaving, weren't you?" Naruto asked, all teary-eyed with his bottom lip threatening to jut out at any moment and fall off from shaking so much.

Itachi sighed. He had heard this one too many times to be worried. All the same, he gently shook his head and stepped forward to embrace Naruto in his arms, rubbing his back and making quiet shushing noises to soothe him.

Once Naruto had calmed down –at least once Itachi could no longer feel the blond trembling, even if only slightly, in his arms –Itachi stood back and held up the wrist that was weighed down with the special-ordered ramen.

"I brought this home just for you. Teuchi made it special order," he smiled, knowing how much Naruto liked his smile.

"Do you think ramen's good for the baby?" Naruto asked, taking a step back and surveying the plastic bag indecisively. "I mean, I'm four months in now. What if I'm supposed to stop eating ramen at some point?" Wide eyes of terror shone on his face at the thought, looking at some distant point past Itachi's shoulder. "Did Tsunade-baa-chan tell you anything? I don't remember anything like that!" Naruto eyes danced around at the top of the sockets, searching for the answer in his frantic mind.

"Naruto," Itachi intervened. "I'm sure one or two ramen won't hurt you _or_ the baby. Now I had Teuchi make this especially for you and –"

"You know what, Itachi?" Naruto came back down to earth, apparently not having heard a word of what Itachi just said. "I think I'd like some rice cakes instead."

…

"Oh."

Itachi nodded his head, looked down at the ramen, nodded his head again, and then walked off into the kitchen without another word.

He really had gotten too used to this, he thought as he began to make the rice cakes for Naruto. He supposed he would just have to enjoy the deliciously sweet ramen all by himself.

Well, at least until Naruto had smelled the cooked ramen and decided to change his mind again.

Itachi looked at the ramen, back at the door to the kitchen through which Naruto would be entering at any moment, and then back at the ramen. Carefully and swiftly, with his usual shinobi prowess, he hid the ramen in the top cupboard –the one only he could reach.

He would have his own little midnight snack tonight.

おわり

Read and review, s'il vous plait.


End file.
